


Hate to say that I want you (but I do)

by justhockey



Series: Sing To Me Instead [6]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Adam is oblivious bless him, Angst, Auston is very perceptive, Basically none at all, Brandon is so in love, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Very very very mild sexual content, Zach and Willy are changing the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-16 04:05:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18513550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: Now he thinks about it, the fact that he just like,kissedBrandon, without any hesitation, in front of maybe a dozen people, probably says quite a lot in itself.Maybe wanting to kiss your best friend isn’t exactlybros.Whatever. It’s not a thing. It would be fine if it was,obviously, it’s just. Not.





	Hate to say that I want you (but I do)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Bad Habit_ by Ben Platt.

There’s been a shift in the league since Hyman and Nylander came out a few weeks ago. Or. Were pushed out, rather. It’s not like players are coming out left, right and centre, because this is still the NHL. _No_ other players have come out, in fact. But still. Things feel different. 

Like, Adam had never heard any of the Jets make explicit homophobic comments before, but since the picture and the video of the Leafs players, there had been significantly less casual _no homo_ comments. Games were different too. Because even though any kind of hate speech gets you a suspension, that’s only if the refs _hear_ it, so plenty of slurs were still thrown around. Except, since they came out Adam had heard maybe one, two at _most_. 

It’s great. 

He’d moved through the leagues with everyone else, immersed in the same culture. And it’s not like he didn’t think gay people _could_ play hockey, it’s just, he didn’t think they _would_ play hockey. So it’s great that the league is changing, that it’s becoming more tolerant and accepting of diversity. Because, now that he really thinks about it, there are _bound_ to be more lgbt+ players in the league. Like, _duh_. 

And Adam isn’t gay, or anything. He’s had girlfriends, and he hooks up occasionally. And he’s never even looked at another guy like that before. _Seriously_. But after Will and Zach came out, he kind of started to notice things more. And it’s probably just because he’s aware, now, that not every player is going to be straight. Or something. 

Because now, when they’re practicing drills on the ice, he’ll occasionally find himself fixated on the way Rusty’s hands work as he takes shots on Bucky. Or the strength in his thighs when they’re working out. And how Adam can’t wait to grab hold of him in a celly when they score. Not to mention how he can’t help but smile every time Brandon so much as glances in his direction. 

Okay, so. Adam is starting to notice a lot about Brandon. Like, _a lot._ Which is kind of weird, really, because even during all the teasing from the team after they had _kind of_ kissed in that one video, he hadn’t thought about Brandon as anything other than his best friend. 

Although. Now he thinks about it, the fact that he just like, _kissed_ Brandon, without any hesitation, in front of maybe a dozen people, probably says quite a lot in itself. 

Maybe wanting to kiss your best friend isn’t exactly _bros_. 

Whatever. It’s not a thing. It would be fine if it was, _obviously_ , it’s just. Not. 

*

They’re in Toronto and the atmosphere is electric. Obviously the chants aren’t for them, but the energy is contagious nonetheless. It’s also hard to miss the clusters of Leafs fans that are draped in pride flags, or wearing the rainbow Leafs merch they’d released for their _You Can Play_ night. Clearly it’s no longer unusual for the home team, because they barely even pay any attention, but Adam finds himself seeking out the fans during every tv break. It makes him feel, like, _warm_. Or whatever. Shut up. 

Winnipeg had been playing consistently well for weeks, but Toronto had been absolutely _on fire_ for just as long. Toronto are already up a goal in the third when Hyman scores off a pass from Nylander. Adam is on the bench when it happens, so he can see every agonising second of it. And like, _shit_. 

But also. He watches the way Willy slams into Zach and hugs him tight, laughing brightly as they tap their helmets together. And okay, Adam is pissed they scored, but he can’t help but smile a little as he watches them, especially when the crowd cheers even louder just for them. 

And like, it’s not even anything unusual, is the thing. It happens all the time, players grabbing each other and holding tight when they score. Hell, Adam had already done it once this game when Brandon scored a beauty off of his pass (he tried not to think about how much he loved having Brandon in his arms). So there’s nothing actually intimate about it. But still, there _is_. Because it’s them. They’re in love, and the whole arena knows it, and they _love it_. It’s kind of beautiful. Plus, like, even Adam isn’t immune to Willy Nylander’s smile. So. 

He finds himself glancing down the bench to Brandon, and. Well. He’s watching Hyms and Nylander too, with an expression on his face that probably mirrors Adam’s own. He’s frowning a little, but there’s also a gentle smile curling at the edges of his mouth, like he’s trying hard not to smile but he just can’t resist. 

Honestly, it kind of makes Adam’s heart soar. And when Brandon turns his head and catches Adam’s eye, they can’t help but smile at each other. Which is probably a source of confusion for anyone watching their bench, but whatever.

He’s not really sure why, or _what_ it is, but it feels like they’re sharing something in that moment. They’re down 4-2 with only four minutes left so it’s probably not the time to be grinning at each other. Or, like. Realising things. Yet here they are, having to force themselves to look away from each other as the play resumes. 

And okay. So maybe it could be a thing. Like, Adam is actually pretty sure that it is. 

*

They lose to Toronto. 

Adam is mad, because obviously. And normally he’d be replaying the game in his head, every misstep or turnover that allowed the Leafs to get the upper hand and beat them. But there’s something else this time, something _bigger_ occupying the thoughts in his head. 

And like, yeah. You guessed it. It’s Brandon. 

Adam honestly isn’t that surprised to realise that he has, you know, _feelings_ , for his best friend and liney. Which, says it all really. It’s clearly been building for a while, but Adam doesn’t know quite how long, isn’t sure when he stopped looking at Brandon as just his best friend, and started looking at him as a possibility for something more. It had clearly happened subconsciously, if it had taken him this long to figure it out. 

But now he knows, he can’t _stop_ thinking about it. 

They’re out in some bar the Leafs had taken them too. It’s hot and loud and Adam can barely exhale without his skin ending up sticking to someone else’s. It’s normally the kind of place he’d love, but right now it just feels like too much. 

The booth is a mixture of Jets and Leafs, and no matter how long he’s been playing, Adam will never get over how easy it is to switch between chirps and hits _on_ the ice, to telling jokes and buying each other drinks _off_ it. It’s nice though, Adam thinks as he sits, squashed between Kapanen and Sami. 

He kind of can’t take his eyes of Zach and Willy, who manage to be disgustingly adorable without being too overly affectionate. Their sides are pressed together, and Zach has his hand on Willy’s leg, and Willy’s own hand is on top of that, but otherwise, they’re not particularly handsy. It’s just the way they look at each other, the grins on their faces when they catch each other’s eye, and how they always laugh the loudest at each other’s stories. 

Adam can feel someone watching him, and he looks away from the couple to see Matthews watching him, a frown on his face. Oh, right. He probably looks like he disapproves or something. He smiles at Auston, who seems to be satisfied enough that Adam’s not judging, so he looks away again and joins in with the conversation. 

It’s not lost on Adam though, that Mitch is practically cuddling into Auston’s side. Like yeah, the place is busy and everyone is way too close for comfort, but Marner seems to be actively seeking out contact with Matts. And like. He doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, Auston seems to lean into Mitch as well, and he smiles so brightly every time Mitch cracks a _really bad_ joke. They look like - oh. 

They look like a _couple_. 

Adam looks away quickly, because yeah. They’re dating. But obviously not out beyond the team yet, and he isn’t about to expose them by staring too long. So he tries to get back involved with one of the conversations going on around him, but he finds it difficult. Because there are two clearly happy couples on the Leafs, and his eyes keep involuntarily scanning the room for Brandon but he can’t find him. So maybe he’s a little jealous. 

And then, he’s a _lot_ jealous. 

Because his eyes finally find Brandon. And he looks so fucking _good_. Except. There’s a pretty blonde girl attaching herself to him. She’s gripping onto his bicep with one hand and the other is resting on his chest as she smiles up at him through her eyelashes. Adam knows the look, because he’s had it used on him enough times. She’s looking to take Brandon home. 

And Adam kind of wants to be sick. Or punch something. Maybe even both. Whatever. The point is, he hates it, and wants nothing more than to rip her hand off Brandon and tell her to go find someone else. 

He doesn’t need to though. He sees Brandon take hold of her hand and move it off his arm. He subtlety shakes his head, offers the girl a smile, and then turns and walks away. Adam probably shouldn’t feel as relieved about that as he does, but. He’s going through A Lot, okay. 

He’s kind of surprised when Brandon shows up at their table a few minutes later to them know he’s heading back to the hotel. They all have curfew, but it’s not for another hour or so, and normally Adam has to _drag_ Brandon back to their shared hotel room. He raises his eyebrows at Brandon, hoping he’ll understand what he’s trying to say. And he does, but he just shakes his head a little, says goodbye to everyone, then leaves. 

And like, Adam isn’t _obsessed_ with Brandon, okay. He’s known for definite about his feelings for his best friend for like, no more than few hours, really. But he still finds it difficult to not immediately stand up and follow Brandon back to the hotel. He manages though, even if he doesn’t really pay attention to another word anyone says for the rest of the night.

*

He made it another twenty minutes before he excused himself and left the bar. And honestly? He’s proud he made it that long. He was hyper-aware that Matts kept glancing in his direction, though he couldn’t figure out why. He kept checking his phone - although it’s not like he was expecting Brandon to message him - and shaking his leg, much to Kappy’s dismay ( _“Stop fucking_ moving _Lowry!”_ ). 

He lets himself into their room quietly, in case Brandon is sleeping, though he doubts it this early. The main light is switched off but the bedside lamp is on. Brandon is on the bed furthest from the door, and he’s under the covers, his back to the entrance. Adam would think he was asleep if it weren’t for the subtle white glow from his phone. He’s not really sure what to say, so he heads straight into the bathroom to get ready for bed. 

He brushes his teeth and washes his face quickly, then slips out of his clothes and into a pair of basketball shorts. He doesn’t bother with folding his clothes, just dumps them on top of his bag as he leaves the bathroom, then sits on the edge of his bed. 

He knows Brandon is still awake, and the silence between them feels awkward. Which, like. That never happens. They’re either talking each other’s ears off, or they’re comfortably quiet, but it’s never awkward. 

“Why did you leave so early?” Adam asks, breaking the silence. 

Brandon shifts in his bed, “I was just tired.”

Adam laughs, “Since when has that stopped you? Normally I have to drag you back.”

Brandon sighs and turns over so he’s facing Adam. He’s not sure, but Adam thinks he sees a faint blush high on Brandon’s cheeks. 

“I just wasn’t feeling it bud,” Brandon says, shrugging his shoulders a little. 

Adam knows something’s not right. He’d known it in the bar, but didn’t want to press in front of everyone. He’s not sure if is because of him or totally unrelated, but Brandon is being _weird_. 

“What about that girl?” He asks, because apparently he hates himself. 

“What girl?” Brandon replies, frowning a little. 

Adam rolls his eyes. Even with his newfound feelings for his best friend, he knew that girl was absolutely unreal. There’s no way Brandon has forgotten her. Unless there was more than one that had tried it on with him. 

“Blondie at the bar.” Adam laughs, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Brandon frowns a little more then nods in realisation. “What about her?”

Clearly he’s being really fucking _dense_ tonight, and Adam is going to have to do all the work. 

“I could tell from across the room she wanted to fuck bud, why did you turn her down?”

He laughs and tries to make a joke out of it, but Brandon just tenses. Adam knows he’s done something wrong by the way Brandon rolls onto his back and remains silent. He’s not entirely sure _what_ he’s done wrong, because they’ve had many conversations about girls and hookups before, and it’s _him_ that’s suffering by having this conversation, not Brandon. But still. He can tell instantly that Brandon’s mood switches from just plain weird to like, mad, or hurt. Or something. He can’t tell. 

“Brandon?”

“What?” Brandon asks, sitting up and sighing in frustration. 

Again, Adam’s really not sure what he’s done to piss him off so much. He’s quiet for a while as Brandon climbs out of bed and moves over to the balcony door, tugging the curtain to the side so he can look out over the city. 

“Bro I was just asking, why are you pissed?” Adam asks, standing up and walking to the centre of the room. 

Brandon sighs, and everything is still for a moment, then -

“I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending they’re you!” Brandon all but yells, swinging around to face Adam. 

And like. Adam can’t do anything but stare. He’s aware that his mouth is probably hanging open a little as he looks at Brandon, who’s _definitely_ blushing now. He wants to say something, but honestly he’s drawing a blank. His mouth seems to have forgotten how to speak and he just continues to look at Brandon, who starts to shift nervously. 

“Is that what you wanted to hear?” Brandon scoffs, looking down at the floor. 

“Um, I don’t, I,” Adam stumbles over his words.

Because honestly, what the _fuck_ is he supposed to say to that? What does he even _mean?_

Brandon shakes his head and laughs bitterly.

“I can’t just walk into bars and hook up with strangers when I’m in love with you,” Brandon says, “And I know you don’t want to hear that. I’m sorry if this makes things weird, but I don’t know how to keep pretending like I don’t feel this way.”

Adam just wants to kiss him. Like, that’s not the first time he’s felt like that, now that he thinks about it. But it’s the first time he’s been really aware of what it means. And he could. He could just kiss Brandon and he would probably kiss back because _fuck_. He just told him he was in love with him, and Adam is just fucking _standing there_. 

“I - uh - it’s, it’s not the same for me, as it is for you,” Adam manages to say. 

Brandon laughs a little, shakes his head while smiling sadly. He finally looks up and Adam’s heart just breaks. He looks _so_ hurt, and Adam hates it, never wants him to feel that way ever again. 

“Yeah, I know that buddy,” Brandon says, and - _oh_. 

“No!” Adam shouts, because he did _not_ mean it like that. 

Brandon flinches a little, the sad smile wavering. 

“No, I mean. I mean that I’m not like, in love with you.”

Brandon scoffs, “Thanks, yeah, you don’t need to keep rubbing it in.”

And fuck, Adam is _not_ good at this. He knows what he wants to say but Brandon is stood there looking so good and so _sad_ , and everything keeps coming out wrong. He pauses and takes a breath, gives himself a second to collect his thoughts so the next time he opens his mouth he gets it right. 

“That’s not what I meant, sorry. I keep saying it all wrong. I mean, it’s _not_ the same, because like, you said you’re in love with me, right?” Adam pauses and Brandon nods. “Okay, and I’m not, like, in love with you, but. But I do like you, a lot. It’s just, this is new for me.”

Brandon’s breath catches and his body moves forward subconsciously. He looks into Adam’s eyes, like he’s trying to figure out what he’s saying through them. 

“What are you saying?” He asks, his voice shaking. 

Adam takes a deep breath and smiles when he answers. 

“I like you. _Like you_ , like you,” Adam confesses. 

The smile that spreads across Brandon’s face is breathtaking, and it’s impossible for Adam not to reciprocate it. He takes a step forward, and Brandon meets him half way, so they’re standing almost chest to chest. Adam is looking down at Brandon, and the feeling, the _love_ in his eyes, it’s just too much. 

Adam surges forward and kisses him. He can’t not. He takes hold of Brandon’s face between his hands, and Brandon grasps desperately at his bare waist. 

It’s. It’s _everything_. As Brandon’s tongue licks it’s way into Adam’s mouth, he finds himself wondering why it had taken him so long to realise. Because it seems so obvious now, as Brandon moans into his mouth and presses his entire body along Adam’s. _Of course_ he wants Brandon, because how could he not?

Adam isn’t one for cliches usually, but holy fuck. It’s like fireworks, like the earth shifting beneath his feet, like the fucking stars aligning. And he can’t help the moan he lets out when Brandon rocks into him. 

“Wait,” Adam says breathlessly, as he pulls away. 

Brandon’s face changes so quickly that Adam can’t help but kiss him again to reassure him, just a soft, chaste touch of their lips. 

“I just, I’ve never, you know, with a guy. This is good, it’s just. A lot,” Adam admits as he moves his hands from Brandon’s face and down his neck, to rest on his shoulders. 

Brandon laughs, and the sound is so happy it steals Adam’s breath a little bit. 

“You really want this? With me?”

“God, _yes_ ,” Adam replies, leaning down to rest his forehead against Brandon’s. 

“Okay. Okay, then we’ll take it slow,” Brandon says softly, as his hands begin to trail up and down Adam’s back. 

“Yeah?”

“Of course,” Brandon promises, “how about we try and get some sleep? We can talk more in the morning?”

“Yeah, yes. That sounds good,” Adam replies. 

And he’s a little overwhelmed. Okay. He’s a _lot_ overwhelmed, he figures as he climbs into bed beside Brandon. But it’s the best kind of feeling. It feels like when you win a game after coming back from three goals down, like clinching a playoff spot, like. Fuck. Maybe it even feels better than that. 

He lies on his back and Brandon immediately curls into his side. He presses a gentle kiss on his chest, but then Adam can feel him start to shake a little. He panics at first, thinking he’s crying, but then he hears a breathless little laugh. He takes hold of Brandon’s chin and tilts it so he’s looking up at Adam. 

“What are you laughing at?” He asks, a fond smile on his face. 

“You said you _like_ like me,” Brandon giggles. 

Adam rolls his eyes and feels a blush fan out across his cheeks. Anywhere else, with anyone else, he’d be embarrassed. But this is Brandon. They’re best friends, and shit, he’d just felt his dick pressing into his own, so. No room for embarrassment really. 

“I can always change my mind,” he teases, pressing a kiss into Brandon’s hair. 

“You won’t.”

No, he won’t. 

*

When he wakes up the next morning, Brandon is practically lay on top of him, and his hair is tickling Adam’s nose. He can’t help the grin that lights his face up, it’s impossible not to smile. 

He reaches out to grab his phone from the bedside table to check the time. When the screen lights up his eyes are immediately drawn to an Instagram notification. 

_**auston_matthews:** hope u got ur boy_

He laughs softly and presses a kiss into Brandon’s hair as he begins to wake.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, not too familiar with the Jets but I like these guys and also I’m rooting for them against the Blues.
> 
> EDIT*** not to be dramatic but like an hour after I posted this Adam scored off a pass from Brandon so I’m clearly magic.


End file.
